Morbius parents guide: Is it Morbin' Time for the whole family on Disney+?

Sony's Spider-Man adjacent vampire flick is now on Disney+, but is it worth watching? No. Just gonna say "no" right here.

Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) in Columbia Pictures' MORBIUS. © 2021 CTMG, Inc. All Rights Reserved.**ALL IMAGES ARE PROPERTY OF SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT INC. FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY. SALE, DUPLICATION OR TRANSFER OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.**
Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) in Columbia Pictures' MORBIUS. © 2021 CTMG, Inc. All Rights Reserved.**ALL IMAGES ARE PROPERTY OF SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT INC. FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY. SALE, DUPLICATION OR TRANSFER OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.** /
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Morbius, the movie, the cinema experience, is now on Disney+ for the first time. Part of Sony’s universe of Spider-Man-related movies that don’t have Spider-Man in them, the vampire/comic book movie instead stars Jared Leto as Dr. Michael Morbius, a man with a rare disease who gets vaguely vampire-focused superpowers.

Look, your kids love Spider-Man. Heck, everyone loves Spider-Man. This movie is now sitting on Disney+ right next to The Marvels, as well as the rest of the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe), including multiple Spider-Man movies. So naturally, this is one to pop on after you’ve finished the umpteenth watch of Spider-Man: No Way Home, right?

Uh… How do we say this? Morbius is bad. It’s not even “fun” bad, it’s “boring” bad. Unlike other comic book-based movies of its ilk – and I would even include the recent theatrical disaster also from Sony Madame Web on that list – it doesn’t move quickly, and even the nonsense that happens is stilted, slowly paced nonsense. Point being, even without the rating info there’s a very good chance your children will be extraordinarily confused and bored.

Now, granted, Morbius has been memed to heck online thanks to hashtags like “#morbiussweep” where “fans” would joke about how empty theaters were, and “#morbintime” riffing off the classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers line, indicating that maybe Morbius says “It’s morbin’ time” at some point in the movie. Not only does Morbius not say this, but I want to emphasize again: this movie is a slog to get through, and I’ll watch almost anything.

That all said, nobody can stop children who have seen memes and are on a mission. So if you are thinking of watching the mercifully brief Morbius (it runs an hour 45, including two of the worst end credits scenes ever committed to film) on Disney+, here’s what you need to know.

Morbius Parents Guide: Explaining The PG-13 Rating

MORBIUS
Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) in Columbia Pictures' MORBIUS. © 2019 CTMG, Inc. All Rights Reserved.**ALL IMAGES ARE PROPERTY OF SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT INC. FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY. SALE, DUPLICATION OR TRANSFER OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. /

Morbius is rated PG-13 by the MPA for “Intense sequences of violence, brief strong language, and some frightening images.” But what age range is it actually for? Let’s get into it.

Sex & Nudity: Literally the only good scene in the movie is where – spoiler – Matt Smith’s villain gets the same “powers” as Morbius and does a little dance with his shirt off because he’s all muscly now. That’s it for anything even approaching sex and nudity.

Violence: Despite the fact that you have two superhero vampires constantly talking about and drinking blood, and Smith’s villain murders a whole lot of people, it’s mostly shown off screen. You’ve got a few of your classic “blood spurt on the wall” moments, but if you’ve ever watched, say, Supernatural, it’s nothing stronger than network TV.

Language: Very PG-13 down to the one allowed f-bomb.

Drinking & Drugs: Do you consider vampires drinking blood a drug? If not there’s one scene set in a bar, but that’s it.

Overall Verdict: What Age Is Morbius Appropriate For?

If we’re talking about the pure rating, Morbius, even with the vampires, is mild by superhero standards. Younger kids might find the atrocious transformation sequences a little scary – when Morbius needs blood, his face turns gaunt and bat-like – but overall this isn’t even as violent as your run-of-the-mill Marvel movie.

However, and don’t know if I mentioned this, Morbius is not actually appropriate for any ages, because nobody should ever watch this movie. It is, in fact, good parenting to prevent your kids from watching Morbius “for fun” because no fun will be had. Do the right thing, and throw on The Marvels instead. Or literally anything else.

Next. Madame Web parents guide: Why is the superhero movie rated PG-13?. Madame Web parents guide: Why is the superhero movie rated PG-13?. dark